It's been a while since i last wrote a blog..
Maybe about two years or so. Last time it came across my mind to just wants to write some songs on to this blog board. But time flies away and my mindset changed along with it.
From a STUDENT to a PROFESSIONAL WORKERS..I have been beaten by bags of bags of calamity. Its been rough. Like being posted to a new place which seems so aliens to me. I am an aliens to this place and its community itself. The culture, the language, the foods, even the weather is different. A very far-shifted culture I have forced myself to swallow. At first it was hard, now..its harder. Because my birth land is like beckoning my name louder and louder everyday. I missed everything that I used to live with. But, I think there's something about that rural community which makes me wants to stay. It is maybe because I saw a 'hunger'. A hunger for knowledge, a hunger for new experience, a hunger for new 'Missionaries of education'. I know I brought a whole new way of teaching right there. And I see magnificent sparks of excitement in each of the children in my class. Whether they are 7 or in 12 they always want some more of me. That's what keeps me there.
It's not that I'm happy to stay. Because I know I'm happier when I'm close to my loved one. But the feelings of 'needed' gives great urge to me to stay and give some more. From them, I learn some more also. I learn how to give commands. I learn how to make an ad-hoc decisions. Even the smallest decisions makes a powerful changes in their system. This, makes me scared-to-hell at first. But then, its a learning phase. At least, that's what I reminds myself when my decisions makes everything goes wrong. I regret, I am sorry. But that was my learning phase.
I also learns how to criticize...which I don't usually do.
I hate condemning others aka condemning their spirits for life. But that's what I did.
Because I learn that we can build a stronger individual after we tore them apart.
It's not just their will to survive but their caution is sharper which also leads to a programmed self-discipline. And I never get used to it unfortunately. I never get used to scolding and punishing the children. Every time I do it, that's when every time my heart is torn too.
Well, that's my story for now...it's not a love but also not hate...its my job...
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